2 A.M.

Give me your hand I said.. you lifted it and placed it in mine.. I stroked your fingers and kissed them and marveled at how tiny and pretty they were. Again, I need to cut your nails. Your body relaxed... you snuggled your head into just the right position and closed your eyes. Soon you rolled over and tucked those arms under your body... your legs were splayed. I looked.. close up.. at your little face. Is it weird to love your eyebrows? I love to touch your face..follow the contours. I traced and stroked your perfectly formed ear. They don't stick out any more... huh.. I heard deeper breaths.. your body grew heavy... It amused me that you like your ears touched.. Yes, I thought about the day when a man may pay them attention... it was hard to imagine...

How funny it is that I am so physical demonstrative with you and your sister! Do you know that we come from a NO-TOUCH family? It comes so naturally... an extension of my emotions. Of course, eventually I'll have to stop. I don't think when you're a teenager you'll appreciate me holding and rubbing your legs while I look over every part... noting the lengthening.. the loss of baby fat.. the small bruise from ??... the curves and freckles.. and everything. But then again maybe you will... leg massages do feel good. I know you enjoy them because you stick those little feet in my face to request more.

You look so different when you sleep... It must be the eyes... without that twinkle.. that mischievous, "I-am-about-to-do-something-I'm-not-supposed-to-do-but-you're-not-going-to-get-mad-because-I'm-so-darn-cute-about-it-and-we-both-know-it" look of yours is gone for the moment. In sleep, you look so much more innocent... my old soul baby.

I think about how I just want to be with you two girls and that I'm not ready to think about another child. I am enjoying you two too much to add a third to the mix. I think also that perhaps because of who you are... it would be better for you to not become the middle child quite so early. An age gap might help.

I treasure these times... I know that shortly I will have to say goodbye to this snuggling.. but for now I will revel in it. All day yesterday you just wanted me.. you wanted me to pick you up and you'd lay your head on my shoulder and tuck your arms to your side.. Am I a terrible Mom to find enjoyment in your sickness?... How deeply you sleep while I hold you... I must be comfortable.

You then wake up coughing... choking...you can't get your breath. Not so much enjoyment then. I wipe your face, pat your back, and we go in search of medicine.