The Many Different Mes

If you had asked me a year ago if I thought turning 30 would be a big deal... I would have shrugged my shoulders and say "Uh.. no.. why should it?" But I would have been wrong. Never before have I been so in tuned with WHO I am and WHOM I wish to be. I am so consciously aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my judgments, my likes and dislikes, my mannerisms, my prejudices, my speech... that it is quite painful. I feel as if I'm standing at that proverbial crossroads and it is now that I am deciding who I really want to be. I'm discovering things about myself that I don't like but yet, also finding things I do like. I have within me characteristics and mannerisms of other people... only some of them would I like to keep. I'm digesting all the little things that are ME and trying to spit out what I do not wish to keep.

I like myself. I'm a good person. But I'm not wholly formed... not in the way I wish to be. There are too many aspects of myself that aren't really mine... they are a copy of other people... people that were influential over me. I am randomly discovering things that I do or partake in but that I... in actual fact... don't like. I've even realized that there are foods which I eat but don't really like. That sounds crazy... I know! How could I not know I don't really like them? LOL But, it's true.

Lately, I've also been thinking about the roads not taken... about who I could have been/could be if just this or that was different. I think about how one single decision could have changed my life drastically. I find myself daydreaming about having a different life. (Not, to say, I actually wish for any life but the one I have!) There are many different Mes in my head. I like to think of all my Mes living in different dimensions.. like the old show Sliders.

There is the ME that is single and left at 18 to work with the Peace Corp. I've spent the last 12 years traveling into all sorts of harsh landscapes and have seen much suffering. It is only now that I would be thinking of settling down into a "normal" life but I would probably be struggling with it because I've spent too many years outside the norm. I also have one child whom I treat as a mini adult. This child was the result of a brief affair with a missionary and he/she travels wherever I go. I'm proud of my kid and pride myself on giving him/her a worldly upbringing.

There is the ME that ran away at 15, never finished high school, runs from guy to guy, and lives my life as a victim and playing on people's sympathies.

One of my favorite MEs is the single, college educated ME. I have a nice, two bedroom condo with 2 dogs and one ginger cat. I teach for a living. In my spare time I browse book shops, am active in book clubs, and volunteer as a court appointed advocate for needy kids. I go to a gym 3 times a week. I eat in delis and sandwich shops with my laptop in front of me. My aspirations are to write a book and finding THE ONE. I have a small group of friends but often feel lonely... especially late at night.

Then there is the other ME who lives like a gypsy... drifting from place to place... working as a freelance photographer. I engage in brief, passionate affairs but am closed off to having any serious relationship. Secretly I wish to have children but I keep it well hidden... even from myself. As I near my 40's however, I would try to settle down.

I could go on and on...

Does anyone else think like this?