Why I can't imagine...

having another baby at this point....

I'm sitting on my bed, typing this, while the girls are in the tub. Aidan, at this point, is entirely self-sufficient when it comes to baths. She is more thorough than most adults I know. Ainsley still needs help but she's half way there. There is little, with most things now, that I have to do for them. They clean, they vacuum, they straighten, they take care of animals, they fold and hang up their own clothes, they brush their own hair, they *almost* brush their own teeth, etc etc etc.

Sometimes, like now, it just hits me how easy things are with them. My main job is just checking to make sure they do it... which usually isn't a problem too much because they've known nothing else.  Their much older cousins, on the other hand, I have to spend hours with... teaching them and trying to get them to do things for themselves. They weren't raised like mine so far have been. I wanted to raise independent, self-reliant children and I have done so.

But... sometimes I feel unneeded... which saddens me. Perhaps I've raised them to be too independent? Yes, I know there are many important things that they do and will need me for but lately I find myself helping when it's unnecessary. Aidan, invariably, will call me on it. "Mommy, I can do this by myself you know."

"I know, but sometimes Mommy wants to help," I'll usually answer.

Which is why...

I still brush their hair every night

I still play your-turn, my-turn game with teethbrushing

I still enjoy helping Ainsley dress (when she lets me)

I still get a ridiculous kick out of making up their lunch or supper plates

I still..... bleh.... you get the point

So, the idea of another little being who relies entirely upon me for everything, I can't even imagine. I'm used to a whole night to myself... whether I sleep or not. I'm used to being able to just dictate who does what... not having to do it all. What if I'm too selfish to want to go back to all that?

Then again, maybe all that I've said is why it would be great having another little one. I'd only have to look after ONE without having to worry about the older two. In fact, they'd be very helpful in many ways.

Why am I even thinking about all this?

I've never stopped.

Yes, after 3 and half years, 5 miscarriages, Cancer, death, and all the other DRAMA of my life.... I still haven't lost the wanting for another.

I still plan where the crib will go.
I still stop myself from buying cute decorative items for a nursery.
I still feel that pang when I see a little baby.
I still....

lol

yeah, you get the picture